Name:
Location: Tennessee

I'm 29, and I still will be on my birthday this year!!! I swear it! My darling husband and I have been married for 7 years this year. We have two great kiddos: a 5 year old son, and a nearly 2 year old daughter. The are the most beautiful kids in the world if you ask us! I work at home, 2 jobs, one is developing curriculum and other publications for a disability ministry. By night I am a Pampered Chef consultant. I love both of my jobs, and I love that they are flexible enough for me to stay at home with my kids.

Monday, May 30, 2005

An Answer to the Madness

I've been in a rather dark place off and on for the
past few months. It's usually only temporary, for a
few days, and then I'd be fine again. I'd be pretty
jumpy, easily agitated...to the point of emotionally
snapping a few times, tired, and my outlook on life,
mostly friendships, is very bleak...sometimes I'd just
want to pack up my things and leave for a few days.
I've suffered some abandonment issues, felt like I
didn't have a friend in the world! On that note, after
talking to J about that emotion, he's agreed that some
of our friends have really separated themselves into
cliques, so maybe I wasn't completely off there!

Anyway...Yesterday, Sunday, was probably the worst day
for me, emotionally, in a LONG time, probably since
high school. A lot of what I coped with in high school
was due to an emotionally abusive boyfriend, and once
I got rid of him, life was a lot brighter! Yesterday I
seemed to have an out-of-body experience. Things
started out OK, I ended up staying home from church
because A-baby had been sick, J went on, and when he
got home, I asked if he could help me out with a few
things. He begrudging agreed, but the attitude I thought I saw
in him really set me reeling! Now usually, this would
not bother me as much as it did...I'd express my
frustration at his attitude, we'd come to an
understanding, and the rest of the day would be
better. Yesterday I was angry, and things just went
downhill from there. C-man seemed to not listen all
day, and I screamed at him a few times, not the norm
for me, at least not at the level that I verbally
attacked him. A-baby cried for what seemed to be half
the day, she's been sick after all, and I think
teething and having some growing pains. Usually I'd
just comfort her, and we'd be fine with life. I was
unraveling at the crying very quickly, and it seemed
like nothing I did helped. In the evening, I escaped
to the grocery for about an hour, but when I came home
I found A-baby had knocked over the gate and was in the
kitchen eating dog food again, and J was back the
hall on Xbox. I HAD HAD IT!!!! I yelled at him, made
the baby cry, threw groceries around the kitchen and
came very close to kicking the dog. Now, for anyone
that knows me, a downward spiral like this is very
abnormal behavior!

I cooled off long enough to eat dinner and start the
kids on their baths. Once I got C-man in the tub and
scrubbed, I went to rinse his hair, he started fussing
as he hates having his hair rinsed. BUT, the attitude
threw me over the edge. I yelled at him, finished
rinsing his hair, threw the towel at him and left the
room, and him crying. J came in and took care of the
rest and I went and locked myself in our bedroom,
crying, for quite awhile. By then I had come
completely unglued...I didn't know what was wrong,
couldn't control my emotions anymore, and wanted to
just shut everything and everyone out!

I've never felt so out of control, and it was very
scary! I felt like I was on the road to crazy and
fearing a trip to the loony bin. Later on, J and I
had another frustrating moment over folding laundry
and a back rub and we spent the rest of the evening
not talking...SO not what I needed! After he went to
bed, I got on the internet and started some research.
I spent about 2 hours reading websites and message
boards found out about PMDD: Premenstrual Dysphoric
Disorder. Basically, it's PMS times 100! One of the
sites that made me cry again because it explained me
to a 'T', that I'm not a complete wack job, and the
remedy could be very easy...the symptoms I found are
stated as follows:

"Women with PMDD complain of irritability, anger,
tension, marked depressed mood, and mood lability
(crying spells for no reason, verbal outbursts, or
tantrums ) to such a severity that quality of life is
seriously compromised. In addition to these symptoms,
some women complain of lethargy, sleep disturbance,
limited concentration and a host of physical symptoms
such as breast tenderness, headaches, joint and muscle
pain, bloating and weight gain.

The primary symptoms that distinguish premenstrual
dysphoric disorder from other mood disorders (i.e.,
major depression) or menstrual conditions is the onset
and duration of PMDD symptoms -- with symptoms
appearing during the week or so before and
disappearing within a few days after the onset of
menses -- and the level by which these symptoms
disrupt daily living tasks. (This diminished level of
functioning is generally in great contrast with the
same woman's interactions and abilities at other times
during the month.)"

It all really matched up to what I had been
experienceing. As I began to track back at some of the
breakdowns I'd been having, they were all lined up
perfectly with my monthly cycle. All the backsliding
would start about a week before my period started, and
end after my first day. I plan on tracking myself the
next couple of months to be sure, but so far, it all
adds up! From some of the message boards I've been
reading on, most women are able to control a bulk of
the problem with diet and exercise. I haven't been
exercising regularly, and I really need to pick that
up again. The month that I did pilates regularly, I
felt like a different person...maybe I need to pick
that back up *hint, hint*!

I printed out a couple of things and showed them to J
this morning, and he was kind of stunned, didn't
really know what to say. There was some of the info
that talked about suicidal tendencies along with the
depression, believe me! things in my life have not
led me to swoop that far into a funk! He was really
worried that I had gone there, but I assured him that
I hadn't. He asked what he needed to do, and I told
him that I just needed his love and support, and most
of all his patience when I'm getting close to "that
time", and that if I went so far as to seek therapy,
that he would be there to support my decision and go
with me if I ever wanted him too. I also told him that
I really need some more "ME" time. He's been working
so much overtime lately because of the campus
retreats, and other things, that I've not had a moment
to myself, without the kids, except to go to Kroger or
Wal-Mart, in months. I don't think that's helped things so much,
and I think it would help keep me from unraveling
quite as much. I think most of his "avoidance" of the
situation at hand yesterday and at other times, was
his trying to stay out of the line of fire! AND I
think the definition of "free ME time" is that he is
totally fine taking some time to play Xbox or watch a
movie at home...for me, my def. of free time is going
out by MYSELF to shop, or have coffee with a friend,
getting a spa treatment, etc. All of the above take
money or coordination with another person, as well as
coordination with Jeff's schedule. He's not against
me doing things by myself, the stars just never seem
to align at the right time.

Anyway, I've also read about some over the counter
suppliments that I can try (St. John's Wort, B Vitas,
5-htl or something like that), and I'd like to try
them before I seek professional help. My insurance
doesn't cover a ton of the costs for therapy, even
with a referral, and we just can't afford much more
debt in our life. I want to try some of the things
I've been reading about today, and see how things go.

But anyway...that has been the monumental discovery of
my weekend. How's your head? That's a lot to digest!
I'm better today...I think it's just brought a peace
of mind to me that I may know the answer to a lot of
situations now, and there are things I can do about
it. I've got good people all around me that will
provide support and encouragement. That's a real
comfort.


20 Comments:

Blogger JennySue said...

I'm sorry baby. You need to get your happy back. Please see your doctor and insist on having some bloodwork done. Please review any medications you are already on - "the pill" made me crazy for several years til I finally realized that's what was the problem. You'll figure this out.

8:02 PM  
Blogger christ*el #3tx said...

poor sweet girl. i cant even imagine what it must feel like to have no control over your little body.


but we are all here for you if you need us. trust me, the numbers and fractions come equipped with GREAT ears and even GREATER hugs.

love you

7:54 AM  
Blogger Allie#3ga said...

sweet girl. that's gotta be terrible! i'm glad you could find some stuff out about it and talk with the man.

i'm with jenny on the bc thing - i can't take some the tri-cycle one REALLY screw me up ... and with the super bad PMS - i get that - i'm prescribed an extra 'zac durin that week for that very thing.

5:46 PM  
Blogger Tasty said...

Amen, and amen on the tricyclic drugs. I can NOT take them. You'll be fine, sweet thing! XOXO

9:08 AM  
Blogger Pears said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad, baby. Things will straighten out. Those hormones are the root of all evil! =)

Let me know if there is anything that I can do - I used to have PMS pretty bad too.
xoxoxox

7:26 PM  
Blogger *L'ola said...

i adore you and i'm so sorry that the 'mones are raging. i am so proud of you for seeing the icky and sitting down and researching it to see what help you can get! call me anytime you need to rant. i'll listen and hug and do whatever i can to help.

8:55 AM  
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